I always thought that if you worked hard and didn't make really crappy life decisions that pretty much anything was possible. You'd have a good job, stable relationship, etc, etc. And for the most part, I think it worked - for awhile.
In 2010, I was just finishing my second teaching year and coming off provisional status (one of the keys to being stable), my husband loved working his police dept and was always doing proactive things to get into something at work, we had good friends at the department and got along with the same people (for the most part), my son was 4 years old, and we carefully planned our next child to be born in the May/June timeframe - just in time for summer break from school.
Things were as great as they could be. We had all the same struggles as anyone else trying to make it on public service type salaries but we were happy feeling like we were contributing to society and making a good life for our kids.
Even though I thought we did everything right, my entire world shattered on March 21, 2010.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The Backstory - My former life
In January 2004 I was in San Antonio Texas attending a two week military school for Air Force Security Forces (i.e. military cops).
At the time, I already had one kid and a crappy marriage under my belt and was pretty sure men - and maybe society as a whole - just sucked.
I went to that school with one other guy from my unit, Scott, who I found pretty annoying but was tethered to because we were sharing a rental car and I didn't know anyone else.
On the very first day of class, we were assigned seats. Scott and I ended up sitting in the back row of our classroom - a place that was fine with me as I really didn't feel like interacting with anyone anyway - well, because they all probably sucked.
By the second day, I decided I had to meet some people besides Scott or I would be stuck in dorkville for two weeks - something completely intolerable to me while away from home. Unfortunately, it just wasn't very practical meeting people when you are busy deciding why they are annoying at the same time. However, it was no problem for Scott....
So Scott said a couple guys wanted to go to dinner and I, having no other options besides staring at the white walls and bad military art of a billeting room - agreed. But not before I noted that anyone who wanted to hang out with Scott, wouldn't be on high on my possible friends list.
Turns out almost our whole entire class went to a restaurant that night - but just a few of us rode together. We met up on the second floor balcony overlooking the parking lot. I am a girl, so despite the military cop, it was imperative I was pretty much last to be ready. I made my walk down the stairs to meet the guys. I rounded the corner and there he was - HIM.
Tall, dark hair, military haircut, khaki cargo pants, black skechers, a polo shirt and ugh! smoking!! Figured.
Turns out he ended up being THE one - and I knew within two weeks time that there was something more - and maybe, just maybe, not everyone sucked.
Lots of in-between stuff happened then but essentially, he ended up moving to WA from OH. We had our son in November 2005 and after I completing my BA in Education, we were married in August of 2008.
At the time, I already had one kid and a crappy marriage under my belt and was pretty sure men - and maybe society as a whole - just sucked.
I went to that school with one other guy from my unit, Scott, who I found pretty annoying but was tethered to because we were sharing a rental car and I didn't know anyone else.
On the very first day of class, we were assigned seats. Scott and I ended up sitting in the back row of our classroom - a place that was fine with me as I really didn't feel like interacting with anyone anyway - well, because they all probably sucked.
By the second day, I decided I had to meet some people besides Scott or I would be stuck in dorkville for two weeks - something completely intolerable to me while away from home. Unfortunately, it just wasn't very practical meeting people when you are busy deciding why they are annoying at the same time. However, it was no problem for Scott....
So Scott said a couple guys wanted to go to dinner and I, having no other options besides staring at the white walls and bad military art of a billeting room - agreed. But not before I noted that anyone who wanted to hang out with Scott, wouldn't be on high on my possible friends list.
Turns out almost our whole entire class went to a restaurant that night - but just a few of us rode together. We met up on the second floor balcony overlooking the parking lot. I am a girl, so despite the military cop, it was imperative I was pretty much last to be ready. I made my walk down the stairs to meet the guys. I rounded the corner and there he was - HIM.
Tall, dark hair, military haircut, khaki cargo pants, black skechers, a polo shirt and ugh! smoking!! Figured.
Turns out he ended up being THE one - and I knew within two weeks time that there was something more - and maybe, just maybe, not everyone sucked.
Lots of in-between stuff happened then but essentially, he ended up moving to WA from OH. We had our son in November 2005 and after I completing my BA in Education, we were married in August of 2008.
The Greatest Gift
It's been just about 2.5 years now. We all need help - all kinds. But finding help or asking for help becomes exhausting so we just give up a lot.
Most days I can juggle my 3 kids, the house, and keep my overall sadness at bay - at least hold it together during the daytime when I have to interact with people and kids.
I make sure to get in my morning meltdown in the shower, contain most my mopiness to naptime when nobody is looking, and save my whopping breakdowns for late at night when I can't/don't want to face trying to sleep.
But there are times when people genuinely reach out and do or say something that is so unexpected and so needed that it brings me instantly to my knees.
Tonight was that night.
I just got home from working two full days with the military and was feeling overwhelmed knowing that I had still 4 days to go and that the kids were going to be in daycare all day and I actually needed to get a babysitter as well because what I am doing is outside the allowable "10 hrs" you can stick your kids in daycare. Sitter in the morning, daycare the rest of the day.
Nevermind the idea of how I was going to hold it together that long and somehow function when I got home and face that fabulous dinner struggle - you know, the one most people normally face with figuring out what to fix/eat except with the added problem of trying to feed a picky 6 year old, bird-like eating toddler while you yourself feel like eating nothing at all except maybe that big pint of ice cream that seems to provide the duality of drowning your sorrows and imposing loads of guilt. Regardless of what you pick, someone (or everyone) doesn't like it and there are enough leftovers to remind you that your husband was supposed to finish the rest but can't.
So after deciding sloppy joes seemed like maybe they could fly and were all I could muster, I went outside to find my son - leaving my toddler plastered to our front screen door. In truth, I rarely have any idea who's house he's at because I can't keep up with three kids by myself.
I find him in a neighbor's garage about halfway down - "working" on their motorcycle. I know the neighbor, Leon, from my son's accounts but really haven't hardly ever talked to him. He hangs out there a lot. I call my son and tell him it's time to come eat.
Leon tells me they are working on the motorcyly and my son was helping. Then he tells me he has a special place for my son and hopes I don't mind him reaching out to him. I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to say because of all the things in the whole world, this is the cheapest, easiest, and best gift this stranger could give us. To have someone like him who doesn't know us but somehow understands what is most needed a few doors down with people he doesn't know - I couldn't say anything because I can't figure out how to ever thanks Leon. So I mumbled that I appreciated it and walked away quickly so I could come home without having a total breakdown on the street.
I need to write Leon a thank you note and tell him how much a difference he makes in our lives - right after I get done crying. I wish every little fatherless kid had a Leon.
Most days I can juggle my 3 kids, the house, and keep my overall sadness at bay - at least hold it together during the daytime when I have to interact with people and kids.
I make sure to get in my morning meltdown in the shower, contain most my mopiness to naptime when nobody is looking, and save my whopping breakdowns for late at night when I can't/don't want to face trying to sleep.
But there are times when people genuinely reach out and do or say something that is so unexpected and so needed that it brings me instantly to my knees.
Tonight was that night.
I just got home from working two full days with the military and was feeling overwhelmed knowing that I had still 4 days to go and that the kids were going to be in daycare all day and I actually needed to get a babysitter as well because what I am doing is outside the allowable "10 hrs" you can stick your kids in daycare. Sitter in the morning, daycare the rest of the day.
Nevermind the idea of how I was going to hold it together that long and somehow function when I got home and face that fabulous dinner struggle - you know, the one most people normally face with figuring out what to fix/eat except with the added problem of trying to feed a picky 6 year old, bird-like eating toddler while you yourself feel like eating nothing at all except maybe that big pint of ice cream that seems to provide the duality of drowning your sorrows and imposing loads of guilt. Regardless of what you pick, someone (or everyone) doesn't like it and there are enough leftovers to remind you that your husband was supposed to finish the rest but can't.
So after deciding sloppy joes seemed like maybe they could fly and were all I could muster, I went outside to find my son - leaving my toddler plastered to our front screen door. In truth, I rarely have any idea who's house he's at because I can't keep up with three kids by myself.
I find him in a neighbor's garage about halfway down - "working" on their motorcycle. I know the neighbor, Leon, from my son's accounts but really haven't hardly ever talked to him. He hangs out there a lot. I call my son and tell him it's time to come eat.
Leon tells me they are working on the motorcyly and my son was helping. Then he tells me he has a special place for my son and hopes I don't mind him reaching out to him. I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to say because of all the things in the whole world, this is the cheapest, easiest, and best gift this stranger could give us. To have someone like him who doesn't know us but somehow understands what is most needed a few doors down with people he doesn't know - I couldn't say anything because I can't figure out how to ever thanks Leon. So I mumbled that I appreciated it and walked away quickly so I could come home without having a total breakdown on the street.
I need to write Leon a thank you note and tell him how much a difference he makes in our lives - right after I get done crying. I wish every little fatherless kid had a Leon.
Why This?
This page was created as a free form flow of thoughts - not for the fanciness of a blog, but for an expression of my journey - my path in this life that I have been forced to take not of my will.
The stories, thoughts, and feelings will be told here - the names changed to protect the people that have and will cross my path along the way. There will be no order, it will be a mix of present and past of my current life and former life - my reality in all forms.
The stories, thoughts, and feelings will be told here - the names changed to protect the people that have and will cross my path along the way. There will be no order, it will be a mix of present and past of my current life and former life - my reality in all forms.
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